Backyard Hockey League: \_.anger's \_.ounge

\_.anger's \_.ounge is similar to the NHL's Coaches Corner featuring Don Cherry ... In the Backyard we have Langer :-) Our resident Hockeyhead !!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




 



 “Reading… like a ‘Sir’.”

“Readings for the distinguished Hockey Player.”      
 

http://kingpinchic.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/man-smoking-jacket.jpg

\_.ANGER’S \_.OUNGE PRESENTS:
‘REAL’ Hockey Equipment: A Shallow Analysis.
One of the interesting and slightly annoying things about playing hockey in New Zealand is that the Kiwi players know more about hockey equipment than everyone else. Seriously, if you mention to a Kiwi that you are looking at purchasing a new stick, pair of skates or gloves, you will be asked if it is the ‘A7 feather grip Razor-light mega Zero +1’ model or the +2 model? (???)
Kiwis know and can quote, model numbers, serial numbers and the players that use those models and serial numbers. They know exactly what they are getting while other players don’t care. As long as it fits and works than that’s all that matters.
Personally I don’t know model numbers and/or serial numbers. For most people the model is linked to performance. Not me. Those things mean nothing to me. For me, aesthetics are linked to performance! Yup, if it looks awesome then it is awesome. 
Here are some beautiful pieces of hockey equipment that will not only make you an instant superstar on the ice but will get you that elusive respect you deserve from your wife and kids.
 
Try this hockey ensemble at your next pick-up game:
The Cooper XL7 Golf Ball Bucket and Mask Combo
https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRmLcBfhq5-ua6cJyUj-BuW3GDZxJL5kdXlW9Of6Gr6zzgzw_w0    http://glassandout.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/mario-lem-sm-vs.jpg
Check out this gorgeous helmet and mask combo! The Cooper XL7 was and is a statement in ‘state of the art’ melon protection. This helmet featured a grey ‘faux’ suede cushion liner, large black ‘flaps’ on the side which allowed this unit to be fully adjustable to accommodate the player with a ‘larger’ melon and loads of high performance vents. The detachable mask was fastened by ‘clipping’ the mask into the helmet proper. The middle clip, which is not visible, was a ‘black plastic pin’ that would immediately break if the helmet/mask combo was met by any kind of force. Unclipping the mask almost always meant that the little black ‘pin’ fell out and was lost forever.  For the record, I wore this helmet, a green one, in minor hockey…playing net.
Endorsed by:   Mario Lemieux. He wore this beauty bucket in his final junior season scoring 133 goals and 149 assists (282 points) in 70 games. Tie Domi also wore one in junior only because it was the only helmet that could fit his massive, concrete head. I am not sh*tting you.
 
 
 
 
The COOPERALL Hockey Pant System
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/1b/0c/5f/1b0c5f86234b236fd2cd491cfcc62c65.jpghttps://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnim5bsqDw1qbbx44o1_250.jpghttp://assets2.sportsnet.ca/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/brett1.jpg
If you are going to a special black tie gala or attending the Oscars and you’ve got a hockey game right after, then you need a pair of Cooperalls. These elegant pants were invented to make the players lighter and faster. All you had to do was pull on the disco-tight protective girdle http://thumbs3.ebaystatic.com/m/mUMA1mKpjWaODlSj4hx8aGA/140.jpg, then slip on the long pants, one leg at a time. Your sexy hockey pants were held up by a sassy little belt and suspenders. Cooperalls came in black, blue and green and they were especially impressive when goalies wore them.    
Players and trainers complained that they were too hot and a chore to take off when a player was injured. They also caused the players to slide crazily out of control when they fell to the ice. What we DO know is that Cooperalls certainly turned those barbaric looking hockey players in to dashing and debonair gentlemen. All they needed to do was create a Cooperall blazer to complete the look.
Endorsed by: The Philadelphia Flyers, Hartford Whalers and a ton of junior hockey teams in the 1980’s.  I highly suggest that you Youtube some old games, especially when the Flyers played the Whalers. It looked like a f*cked up male figure skating competition out there.
 
 
Cooper Gloves with the ARMADILLO thumb.
http://thumbs.ebaystatic.com/images/g/WiAAAOxycmBS5lVV/s-l225.jpghttp://thumbs4.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/m/m-gD2xPJDdzS8epNsuzau5w.jpghttp://thumbs3.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/m/mirm-b9HRgObwHx5T6uQynw.jpg
 
It gets cold on the ice and no one likes being cold when they are playing hockey. The most important part of your body to keep warm on the ice? That’s right. Your forearms.  Cooper solved the problem of cold forearms by making gloves that went almost up to the elbow. By the end of the 1980’s they had cut the ‘cuff’ down to about the ‘high wrist’ area because enforcers felt it took too long to drop the gloves during donnybrooks. Cooper’s incredible style and superior protection was further enhanced by their famous ‘Armadillo’ thumb. Growing up in a climate where there are no armadillos and not really knowing if it was even a real animal, it was important to include a picture of the armadillo on the thumb. All I know is that when you saw someone wearing Cooper mitts with the Armadillo Thumb, it meant only one thing: You could slash the piss out of his hands and know that the guy wasn’t going to get hurt.
Endorsed By: Aaron Sommerville as a child and every road hockey goaltender born between 1974 to 1986.
 
 
 
 
 
Micron Moulded Skates
http://thumbs.ebaystatic.com/images/g/bFQAAOSwI-BWGdXU/s-l225.jpghttp://media.gettyimages.com/photos/badgering-a-bruin-bostons-keith-crowder-was-the-centre-of-attention-picture-id502544547http://www.iceskatehistory.co.uk/img_skates/goalie_skates/micron_goalie_1980s.jpg
So you’ve got the XL7 bucket, the Cooperalls, and the Cooper mitts. All you need (other than a dinner jacket) is a nice pair of hockey boots to round out your stellar look. I would suggest a nice shiny pair of Micron moulded skates.  You could find these in your basement, any Canadian Tire or garage sale in your neighbourhood however I suggest you just check your basement/garage first. The Micron moulded skate was a magnificent example of someone designing hockey equipment without knowing anything about hockey. Made of plastic, these skates kept your feet icy cold and uncomfortable throughout the game. Any shots off the foot would hurt really bad and make you want to stop playing hockey and go home. Microns came with a special insert, or ‘bootie’ that you could take out of the skate and wear on their own. Often you’d see people wearing the booties around the dressing room or the mud room of their houses as a sort of cheap slipper. 
Endorsed By:  Kids wearing toques with pom-poms on the top https://resources.shopstyle.com/sim/cb/09/cb0970088ae6583b98624b77a3b3ffa8/generic-mens-ugly-christmas-sweater-reindeer-cuff-pom-beanie.jpgand Kris Kotsopoulos’ moustache. http://www.chriskotsopoulos.com/images/gallery/picture_gallery_15.jpg
 
 
 
\_.anger
 













*Next: ‘REAL’ Goaltending Equipment.

\_.ANGER’S \_. OUNGE: How To Speak Like a (Canadian) Hockey Player.
 
The best part of being a fan of sports is watching your team win the championship. Being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, I have no idea what that is like, so I’m going to say the best part about being a sports fan is being part of a community. Win or lose, people bond around the players and the drama on the field, pitch or ice. There is a culture in every sport that influences everything from what we wear, what we eat to the way we talk. Speaking of talk, let’s talk about language. Anthropologist will tell you how important language is to culture and the importance of keeping that language alive for when the language disappears, so does the culture. We are all well aware that hockey players are a different breed of people and thus it is not surprising that they have a rich, colourful and distinct language.  Hockey players inhabit many parts of the globe. As a result there are a myriad of hockey traditions, customs and of course ‘dialects’.  I don’t know much about what goes on in Sweden, Russia, Slovakia or even the United States of America, but I do know that ‘Rink-lish’, or ‘English of the Rink’ is one of the *many indigenous languages/dialects spoken in Canada. (*Every town in the country has its’ own dialect reflecting their hockey heritage, geography and how many Tim Horton’s per capita.)  So, for those that may be travelling across the ocean to the Great White North or happen to run into a lumberjack from Moose Jaw while out and about, it’s good to at least try and speak the language. It’s all about making new ‘buddies’! With the help of a couple of pros, Jeff ‘O-Dog’ O’Neil and Jamie ‘Noodles’ MClennan, you too can chirp like a monster, while getting oiled with your buddies. Just remember to ease off on the wheels and wings or you’ll rupture your boiler and end up on the IR.
 
Today’s Special Guest Linguists:
 
Jeff ‘O-Dog’ O’Neil –Former NHLer turned TV/Radio Analyst

 
“I crushed about 45 rye and cokes on the golf course today then drove the golf cart into the pond…just left it there until I realised my wallet was in the glove box. I also realised that I wasn’t at the golf course but at Darryl Sydor’s cottage and it wasn’t the golf cart in the pond, but my truck in the lake.  Monster mode on the ryes.”
 
Jamie ‘Noodles’ McLennan – Former NHLer, turned author and TV/Radio analyst

“I remember one night I was watching the St. Louis Cardinals on TV in a bar in St. Louis when I was a player there. I was with (Chris) Pronger when the phone Rang. It was my buddy Mark McGuire which was weird because he was playing in the game. He said he had had enough and asked where we were. I told him and he said he’d be there in 15 minutes. Sure enough he showed up and proceeded to buy everyone shots. Keep in mind the game he was just in, is on TV! That guy knows how to have a time.”
 
Rink-lish Glossary of Terms:
Buddy: a person you don’t know/random person.  (Putting the word ‘My’ in front of buddy implies that you are good friends)

Noodles:  “Buddy rode his bike to the store to pick up a 2,4 and got pulled over by the cops.
2,4:  A case of beer containing 24 cans/bottles of beer.

O-Dog:  I drank a 2,4 on the weekend while watching my buddy stain his deck.
Yard sale:  To fall down.
\_.anger: “I left my hockey bag in the driveway and went into the house to get a drink. I was having a time and when I came out I forgot the bag was there…total yard sale all over the driveway.”
Dusted: Beat up.
Punchy: “So many times you just want to dust the referee for making bad calls but you can’t. If you do, the league director will tell you to take a lap.”
Take a lap = go away/get lost
\_.anger:  Buddy came over and asked for a dart. I told him to take a lap. Guy doesn’t even smoke.”
Grill: Face
O-Dog: “Some grocery stick (separates the forwards from the defense) was chirping me from the bench. Just beaking me eh, so I got up in his grill and told him to take a lap or else he’d get dusted.”
Pint: a beer. *Not an actual pint but refers to any beer in any size/format.
Old Hockey Saying: “Who’s got a spare pint in their bag?”
 
 
 
Giver:  to just do it.
Noodles: “So I told him, if he wanted to play net after 19 pints then he should just go right ahead. I wouldn’t but…hey, just giver buddy!”
Tarp = a shirt
O-Dog: ”You know that guy that goes to weddings and just gets into monster mode and you don’t know which side of the family he’s on? Wedding guy? That guy who is so oiled on the dance floor that by the third song he’s out there, no tarp, doing the running man? That guy likes to have a time.”
Yip:  your mouth
Noodles:  “I saw this guy one time. He had like, 2 (hot) dogs and 2 monster pints, both for him. He’s up in the stands with some girl, obviously they were on a date or something. This guy is in Colin Ferrell mode trying to impress her with some cheesy story. Next thing you know the puck is fired into the stands and buddy gets it right in the yip. It was not pretty but I didn’t feel bad for the guy. He should have been paying attention.”
Boiler = belly/stomach
O-Dog:  “Christmas and Thanksgiving can be tough. I always end up with a ruptured boiler from eating too much. The only cure is lots of couching, maybe some ginger ale and perhaps talking the dog for a walk to the store to get darts.”
Monster = anyone who is exceptional at something, something exceptional
O-Dog: “Did you ever see that hit Scott Stevens threw on Eric Lindros? Wow. That guy is a monster. You know who else is a monster? Stu Grimson. That guy is a beast. We went out for drinks one night after a game in some *critter infested bar and he DOMINATED that place. Monster time.”  *Critter: Attractively challenged woman
Have a time = enjoy ones’ self usually through the aid of alcohol
Noodles:  “Some of the best times are the ones where you have no intentions of getting tuned up. I mean, you go out thinking you’ll have a couple of beers then shut it down. The next thing you know you get in at 5am, no wallet, can’t find your keys, no idea where your car is…you’ve had a time.”
 
 
40/30 low centre of gravity grit grinder = hard worker, monster, beast, influential personality. Literally refers to a 40 inch waist, 30 inch inseam.
Punchy: “There are quite a few grit grinders in the BHL. TJ, Dave Curtain, Crazy Eyes. Just gritty, gritty players that aren’t afraid to put the hard hat on and dig in the corners.               O-Dog: Lunch bucket guys, 40/30 low centre of gravity grit grinder types.”
Hero: Someone who tries to find ways to get to where they want to go faster while driving
O-Dog:  “Driving to the rink and I’m stuck in traffic. Then I see this hero bombing up the shoulder. I’m thinking, what is up with this guy?”
Marinate: Let people have time to think about/come to terms with something
Punchy: “My buddy wasn’t sure if he was going to play in the tourney. Anyways, I gave him time to marinate but I still haven’t heard back from him.”
Beast: Big, strong, powerful player/person, monster
O-Dog: “Have you seen that guy? He knows how to have a time. He’s a beast.”
Take a Flyer:  Take a chance on something
Noodles: “He’s the kind of guy, a grit grinding type who could get you a few goals, win some face-offs. The type of guy who you may not know much about but worth taking a flyer on.”
Get Gassed:  Lose ones’ job, get fired
Noodles: “Nobody likes to see a coach get gassed, but you can’t gas the whole team, so what do you do? O-Dog: “I’d gas the whole team and bring up the entire minor league team. Let those other slobs ride the bus in the minors. It may smarten them up.”
Beauty/Beautician: A great guy, charismatic and likeable.
Noodles: “Now that’s the kind of guy you need in the dressing room. He may not be the best player but he’s…he’s that room guy you need, a real beauty…a beautician in the room.”
Beak: to aggravate someone with words (similar to ‘chirp’)
Punchy: “This guy would NOT stop beaking so I told him he was ugly and to take a lap.”
Oiled: Intoxicated
O-Dog:  “All inclusive holiday in Cancun. What a town that is. Monster town. Me and 8 guys oiled for a week. Just sloppy. That resort was happy to see us go I’ll tell you.”
Goon:  your intoxicated buddy/intoxicated
Noodles: “I went to this wedding where the bride didn’t want her husband’s buddies there too early because she knew they would been gooned for the actual vows. What do you say to your buddy? It’s not his fault his friends are goons.”
Darts: cigarettes (Blow darts – ‘smoke cigarettes’
O-Dog: “I like slo-pitch. Actually, I like playing any sport where you can blow darts while you play. Just put the dart down, catch the ball, toss out a buddy at 3rd then pick up your dart. Sports.”
Doing Work: Drinking
O-Dog: “I love it when the warm weather comes. As soon as it heats up and the sun is out, I’m like, ‘It’s time to do work’.”
Lt. Dan Mode: Hurt/injured
O-Dog: I blocked a shot the other night and my shin was tender. I was in Lt. Dan mode for 2 days limping around the house. I would have just couched it but the wife wasn’t having any of that.”
Gear Down: Take your clothes off
Noodles: “How many of you have a buddy who as soon as he gets some drinks in him, it doesn’t matter where he is, by the end of the night he’s geared right down to his underwear? It’s like in order for him to have a time, he needs to gear down.”
Crush: to eat 
\_.anger: “I took the day off and did nothing but play Playstation and crush food. I put in a solid shift.
Teed Up:  attack someone 
O-Dog: “Before you tee up on someone, make sure your buddies are there to back you up. Nothing worse than shooting off your yip then getting dusted because you’re too oiled to realise that your buddies are all gone and you are flying solo.”
Wheel:  A pizza
\_.anger: “Everyone has their favourite wheel. I’m going with pepperoni, bacon, mushroom, double sauce, garlic dipping sauce, 2 litre of Orange Crush combo.
 
 
Lather: To sweat
Noodles: “He was outside, in the sun getting oiled in a track suit. Yup… Just having a time. Kim Mitchel, maybe some April Wine rocking in the background, I can’t remember…one of those bands. Anyway,  guy was working up a full lather. It’s like, 30 degrees (Celsius) out and he’s too jarred to take the tarp off or just get changed.”
Couching: Lounging on the couch napping, watching TV, or both.
O-dog: “If you are couching with ‘Rick breath’, then it’s time to brush your teeth. Probably just hose down the whole unit just to be safe.”
IR:  Injured reserve – to be out of action   
\_.anger: “Too many ryes, pints, wheels and wings can easily put you on the IR with a ruptured boiler. Be Careful.” 

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\_.anger’s \_.ounge Presents:

THE ALL TIME DISGUSTING NHL LOGO DRAFT LIST 
 
Hello hockey fans,
No doubt many of you have spent your rent/mortgage/BHL fee money on, women, men, booze, crystal meth and other nefarious endeavours. As a result you’ve joined a hockey pool to try and get back what you’ve lost. Good work!
I’ve decided to draft my team this year but instead of picking players I’m choosing my ‘All Disgusting Logo’ Team.
 As hockey fans, we love hockey jerseys. To me they are pieces of wearable art hence my apartment is wallpapered with hockey sweaters. The thing that makes the hockey jersey so special is that it’s all about the crest on the front. No stupid sponsor’s logos or other corporate branding, just the logo, numbers, vibrant colours and the name on the back. Oh, and don’t forget the fighting strap. How awesome is that though? I mean, the strap is called the ‘fighting strap’ because that’s why it’s on the jersey, that’s its purpose! (AND if you don’t have it done up and you get into a fight AND your jersey comes off, you get an EXTRA penalty! Nice.)
So, allow me to get my elbows up on some of the more forgettable jerseys of the past and present in the NHL.  I’m looking at colours, striping and logos as far as what looks super gay. There is no doubt some will agree and many will disagree but that’s the name of the game. Just remember, if you want to argue about this, make sure you do up your fighting strap!
  
The Retarded Coyote
http://ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4726247562871674&pid=15.1
So, you have a little team in Winnipeg named “The Jets” that has never won anything since they’ve moved from the WHA to the NHL. The economy is being a dick and it’s threatening the existence of your team. People love the team so much that local children are walking up to the commissioner with their piggy banks in hopes that their team will stay. Tragically the team is forced out of its rickety home. L  So the aforementioned commissioner takes that team, which was the heartbeat of the city and province, and moves it to the desert because everyone knows that everything grows and flourishes in the desert. He then rapes the team mercilessly, locks it in a shed and abuses it by telling it that people will come to visit. No one comes to see it. Well done. Oh, and to help this new team attract fans they come up with a name which I admit is pretty good: The Phoenix/Arizona Coyotes. But you know what kids? It’s not wise to smoke crack and drink gallons of Colt 45 when coming up with a team logo, because when you do, your logo comes out retarded. Even though the Coyotes have been sporting a new logo for a few years now, if you go into the shed out behind the Coyote’s arena you will find a shed. Can you say: ‘it puts the lotion on its’ skin’?
 
 
Boston the Pooh
http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQsL0gPv5Dv36RwwUuDepMeC2KjcgijUw9pmeJkXsjzHeB5owHXTQ:content.sportslogos.net/logos/1/3/full/26.gif
Hi there! Aren’t you cute! On behalf of Don Cherry, Eddie Shore, Phil Esposito, Bobby Orr and all the Bruins greats, I’m sorry you had to see this. The only way this logo can work is if it was made into a giant costume head that would be worn by Zdeno Chara for every single game. In the playoffs he can have one that shows an angry bear face. (He could be yawning or snarling. The story was never clear. –Gord Downie-) I can just imagine what Max Pacioretty would think if he saw that following him into the corner. Those Montreal Canadians jerseys do kind of look like lumberjack shirts, don’t they? Grrr!  
  
Mighty Dsucks (The ‘S’ is silent)
http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQsI-v6Op-jvfCgUf4FictiztK4ScihDZFKdkdPdzpL9yriVloO6g:content.sportslogos.net/logos/1/1/full/b7m8cfbq2tize0w1othu.gif
The fact that a fictional hockey team in a Disney movie became a REAL team in REAL life owned by Disney is disturbing enough. Apparently some marketing prodigy down at the office decided they could go further by unveiling this abomination on hockey humanity. Thousands of jerseys were sold with this diabolical duck design on it, unfortunately none of those people attended any games because 4 year olds have to be in bed at 7pm. A mighty yuck.
 
Captain High liner-landers
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRLvPD3s7ikL0rPhKFO2nsUh6m-rm_mhBp7iyNgtbRw2ObYhSCo:content.sportslogos.net/logos/1/19/full/890.gif
 Jimmy Volmer once asked Eric Cartman, “Do you like fish sticks? Do you like fish sticks in your mouth? Then you are a gay fish.”
Note to the NY Islanders: I still know what you did last summer. He looks like the High liner fish sticks dude. You have the Aqua fresh tooth paste logo under the name.  So, you want me to brush my teeth after I eat fish sticks? Who came up with this?? Thank goodness they didn’t take this logo with them to Brooklyn. Someone would have gotten knifed for sure. Ah the Islanders…where their former owner tried to recruit a Japanese sumo wrestler to be their goalie. Next they will probably hire their backup goalie to be their GM…oh wait…
 
 
Carolina Haemorrhoids
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRmNr7bjIJ8EOQEhe6h5Aq-7H4FV9fnGeV9rUAiiRT-kBjx5RLBFA:upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/32/Carolina_Hurricanes.svg/200px-Carolina_Hurricanes.svg.png
The Hartford Whalers had one of the best logos ever then they went belly up and moved to Carolina. The Hurricanes (Hurri-kuns for you Kiwi readers) is a cool name but this logo is far from cool. I would have gone with a mint julip, cotton, a Confederate flag or another symbol that recognises North Carolinas proud slave owning history. You can read into it all you want like that know-it-all chick in grade 11 English class but at the end of the day you know what it really is. It’s a swirl of suck. It’s sad when something so promising turns to suck.
  
Kansas City Summer Camp Cub Scouts
http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQxWMxpMBdV3f1BEcRid5WJEl8VScmwQS62luerkO_Z1EL0KSCx1w:upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/fe/KansasCityScouts.png/200px-KansasCityScouts.png
 
All I gather from this is we have an Aboriginal/Native/First Nations Person mounted on a horse looking off in the distance. What is he looking for? I think he’s looking for a better logo. When I think Kansas, I think The Wizard of Oz. There are a zillion awesome things to use from that movie. Flying monkeys, witches, midgets and opium.  Perhaps our mounted mascot is checking out a rather large tornado approaching in the distance. Hey, at least it’s not a big close up of a Native American’s face. That would be exploitive! J
 
 Insane Bolts
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRp4mEadf9-4N7ujKggY9Tb3cA9OHCzfMH_0nv928HF3-pAH_zX:cdn.nhl.com/lightning/images/upload/2009/04/stlouis_big_040709.jpg
Teams should never have a secondary nickname on their jerseys…ever. Can you imagine jerseys that say: Habs, Leafs, Pens, ‘Nucks  or Sens?
Non Sens
http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q124/cdnuniguy/Senators/Sens3rdangle.jpg
Um, no. Sorry but no. This is nonSENS. It makes no SENS. Common SENS? SENSless.
  Interesting how both these teams came into the league in the same year. That’s my 2 SENS.
 
LA Burger Kings
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQLF6O-CO2L9-gqJ41_7Cpgs9gZ4ULHXAJWCYVv38zdtcnLATcVkA:2.bp.blogspot.com/_YDHRcf_JaCA/TR5_ix_gg5I/AAAAAAAABGA/sNJO3PEiis0/s1600/la-kings1.jpg
“Yes, may I have a double Whopper with cheese, large fries and a diet coke please? I’m trying to watch my weight. Could you make it extra laughable by alienating the grown up fan, kind of like that ridiculous Ducks one? OH, and you can make it look weird and noisy like an inline-hockey jersey?  (Let the hate mail rain down) Excellent!!  I’m going to go throw up now!”
Robo Penguin
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ-bQta8jfLCPDf6KgGabZcJ3HmGsBE-E0WjYIZ563YQnuvgG-eFwhttp://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/MTIwMFgxNjAw/z/qqkAAOSwNSxVVlAT/$_35.JPG?set_id=880000500F
The logo itself is not too bad. It’s sleek, stylised, modern, easy to draw and it looks swift just like the waddling, flightless real penguin.  The issue is the ghastly jersey it adorned with bizarre lines, shadows and faded colours. When guys named Mario, Jaromir and Sidney are the faces of your team you don’t need gimmicks. Besides, nobody in the animal kingdom would ever mess with a smiling, hockey playing penguin wearing a scarf.
 
Florlumbus Blue-Panthers
http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/columbus-bluejackets-third-3rd-jersey.jpghttp://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/002/281/336/0925-fla09a-weiss_display_image.png?1338576666
 
I’m a classic hockey guy. I like vintage. I like old school. I’m a purist to a degree, but why does the state of Florida have 2 hockey teams? Why do states like Ohio (Cleveland Barons) and Georgia (Atlanta Flames/Thrashers) keep getting hockey teams when clearly people don’t care about hockey compared to other sports? And why do these two teams have 3rd jerseys that look 90% the same?? You know you are in the hockey hinterland when the designers basically use the same jersey and just change the logo on the front…and nobody says anything about it. As part of my bucket list I would like to meet a Blue Jackets and Panther fan. I’d also like to share a bag of Doritos with a Sasquatch.
 
Vancouver Can’tnucks
https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTR8KUPJbmHqjFuXKI2Id-mgeuFBnS6GppcOZsLttNG6UzoIpEDUA
Alright, alright, I can hear the grumbling from Vancouver fans about this one. Please don’t riot, that’s all I ask. I liked the original ‘Stick in a Box/rink’ logo. I love the ‘Flying V’ logo because it’s so disgusting and tacky that it’s cool. I also liked the skate that was often dubbed the ‘plate of spaghetti’. I got used to the Haida-inspired orca whale bursting out of the ice. I like how they took the past and married it with the future (and a corporate logo in Orca Bay) in regards to the colour scheme. I don’t understand the big ‘VANCOUVER’ across the top. It makes the jersey look like a piece of unlicensed merchandise you would buy just down the street from the rink after the game. Why is there not a giant lumberjack on the front wearing a plaid flannel jersey?  And that jersey should have chewing tobacco stains on it and should smell like beer, whisky, Players Navy Cut cigarettes and sawdust. There should be a breast pocket on the front too that looks like the stitching is coming out that you can put your ‘darts’ in. The hockey pants should be made of denim. The helmet has earflaps and fur and it’s mandatory for all players to have a moustache and/or beard. Somebody make this happen right now.

 Dis-Honourable Mentions 
Here are some other logos you wouldn’t catch me j*rking off to because I find them gross, but that’s just me.
http://www.nationalsportsbeat.com/images/logos/nhl/Atlanta_Thrashers.jpg 
Why did every logo in the 90’s have to have an animal holding a hockey stick? You think it had something to do with marketing hockey in the American South where basketball, football, baseball, gun violence and NASCAR rule the sporting landscape?
http://i815.photobucket.com/albums/zz74/victor_the_crab/Cleveland%20Barons/ClevelandBaronsOriginalVectorLogo.jpg

The Barons didn’t last long before they went broke then cut a deal and were absorbed by the Minnesota North Stars.
 
 
 
http://www.sports-logos-screensavers.com/user/Oakland_Seals3.jpg
What the f*ck is that thing in the middle with the hockey stick running through it?!
http://www.userlogos.org/files/logos/Dopey5150/Edmonton%20Oilers%20Logo%203rd%201.png
It’s not that this logo isn’t creative it’s just that the original Edmonton Oilers logo is classic stuff. There is history behind it. This one just has too much to live up to. Interestingly, the 5 rivets in this logo represent the 5 Stanley Cups the Oilers have won.
 
-\_.anger -
 
The World’s Greatest and Best Playoff Beards

 

Hello Hockey Helmets,

It is playoff time in the BHL and that means the return of the mighty playoff beard. As we all know, the beard is a mystical thing that only the burly, unclean and unemployed can pull off. The ‘playoff beard’, however, is something holy that all hockey brethren share. To celebrate this fantastic facial hair of hockey’s hallowed second season, let’s have a look at some of the game’s most famous playoff beards.

The Mighty Zeus         http://ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=HN.608004311132145413&pid=1.7

Zeus was not only the ‘Father of the Gods of Olympus’ but he was also a dominant two-way centre who played 2000 seasons for the Olympic Gods hockey team. His leadership and often mercilessly brutal playing style lead the ‘God’s’ to 2000 World Championships in a row, creating the first dynasty in hockey. That dynasty was brought to an end in 1967 when the ‘young guns’ from Jerusalem lead by a 19 year old prodigy named GOD, defeated Zeus 2-1 on a controversial goal in quadruple overtime.

 

GOD   http://almightygod.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/god2.jpg

God’s playoff beard is probably the most recognizable and most imitated. When he began to create the world one cold Sunday morning in the early 1600’s, he vowed not to shave until he had finished. Seven days later the world was done and so was the holiest of holy face warmers. He had predicted it would take at least 2 months to create the world and with the extra time he learned to play hockey at the famous Zeus of Olympus Hockey school. God quickly emerged as a prolific goal scorer which lead to him being selected first overall in the 1966 draft by the Christian Crucifixes. As fate would have it he would meet Zeus and his boys in the 1967 final and the rest is history. The mentor had become the master.

Jesus Christ    http://www.glaciericerink.com/content/images/jesus_hockey_mask_goalie.jpg

Throughout hockey history there have been many sons that have followed in their father’s footsteps. When God retired in 1999, he sent his only begotten son, Jesus Christ, to earth…to play net.

Known as the ‘Messiah’, Jesus quickly made a name for himself with his unique playing style. ‘JC’ was the inventor of the ‘miracle save’ which has become the hallmark of such great goalies and Dominic Hasek, Bill Ranford and every goaltender in the 1970’s and 80’s. A 10 time league MVP, Jesus Christ of Nazareth won 13 Cups and 13 Playoff MVP’s. (Interestingly he gifted 12 of his MVP honours to his 12 disciples.)

BRAHMS   http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Qif5n3i2MNw/T-ymdMhwBOI/AAAAAAAAFsE/sEpgdJ49T4g/s1600/Johannes+Brahms.jpg

Legendary classical German composer Johannes Brahms played 11 seasons in the German Elite League as a hardnosed defencemen from 1927 to 1938. His team never missed the playoffs with his charges making the finals 9 times winning 8 Cups. Sadly his career was cut short due to a severe knee injury suffered in the 1938 playoffs and by a severe shortage of bratwurst and to a lesser extent, the looming Second World War. He was only 30 years old when he was forced to retire leaving fans to wonder: “What if…?”.

Abraham Lincoln     http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_kZZKLHMqVc4/TLJLgluUMVI/AAAAAAAABDY/qyfWDHDdfMQ/s1600/abe+lincoln.jpg

Before he was dubbed ‘The Great Emancipator’ ‘Honest Abe’ was ‘The Great Eliminator’. One of the most feared body checkers and fighters of his time, Lincoln played 4 seasons in the Kentucky Minor Pro Hockey League amassing an astonishing 7,002 minutes in penalties. Lincoln jumped to the big time in 1855 with the Chicago Blackhawks beginning what was known then as the ‘Reign of Terror’ which lasted up from 1861. With his distinguished hockey career over, Lincoln decided to run for President of the United States in which he won in 1861. Shortly after, the Civil War broke out, he freed the slaves and won the war in 1865. Sadly he was assassinated later that same year while watching curling at a sports bar in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.  He was posthumously inducted into the hockey hall of fame in 1987.

ZZ Top (Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill)

http://monophono.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/zz-top.jpg

When people think of the Hartford Whalers they think of such greats as Ron Francis, Ray Ferraro, Pat Verbeek, Ulf Samuelsson, Mike Liut and of course Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill of ZZ Top. Members of the Prestigious “Intergalactic Beard Hall of Fame” in LaGrange Arkansas, the iconic guitarist and bassist played 6 seasons for the Hartford Whalers from 1981-86. Many will remember them as Zarley Zalapski’s wingers on the famous “ZZZ” line. In their final season with Hartford, Gibbons and Hill were instrumental in pushing the eventual Stanley Cup Champion Montreal Canadians to a game 7 thriller in the Adams Division Finals. Even though the Whalers lost on a Russ Courtnall overtime goal, ZZ Top went on to sell millions of records as well as make memorable music videos featuring hot chicks driving/leaning against cool cars.

SANTA   http://ts2.mm.bing.net/th?id=HN.608028113842472851&pid=1.7

Santa delivers toys to the good boys and girls all around the Western world on Christmas Eve. He lives in the North Pole, owns 8 tiny reindeer, (Rudolph left in 1991 after a contract dispute) his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs and he smells like candy canes and egg nog.

He also kicked the living f*ck out of Marty McSorely of the Los Angeles Kings in the 1993 Western Conference Finals as a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Mike Commodore    http://ts4.mm.bing.net/th?id=HN.608030682236650461&pid=1.7

Michael W. Commodore (born November 7, 1979) is a Canadian professional ice hockey defenceman who is currently an unrestricted free agent. Commodore was selected by the New Jersey Devils in the 2nd round (42nd overall) of the 1999 NHL Entry Draft. In 2006, he won the Stanley Cup as part of the Carolina Hurricanes thanks to his truly awesome ginger ‘fro and beard combo. 

Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Commodore

Kerry ‘Klutch’ King 

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Kerry King, known as ‘Klutch’ for his uncanny ability to step up his game in the playoffs was a big reason why the Philadelphia Flyers won back to back Stanley Cups in 1973-74 and 1974-75. A tenacious checker, his clean style of play was a bit of contrast to the Broadstreet Bully violence employed by his teammates. With many of the Flyers spending obscene amounts of time in the penalty box for a variety of vicious on ice infractions, Kerry King was often the only player left to score. With Hall of Fame goaltender Bernie Parent shutting the door, many playoff games were won by a score of 1-0.

Along with 2 Stanley Cups, Kerry King also won the Lady Byng Trophy as the most gentlemanly player a record 14 times.

Upon finishing hockey, he then went on to form the highly influential thrash metal band SLAYER in 1981.

Jim ‘The Anvil’ Neidhart   http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VhdRClmj3L0/T7MNZtSjEDI/AAAAAAAACys/stEUTypm5Ds/s1600/jim+neidhart.png

Jim Neidhart played 21 seasons of professional hockey, mostly as a minor league journey man. He is best remembered as a member of the 1989 Stanley Cup Champion Calgary Flames. Along with Joel Otto, Jim Neidhart was often found in front of the net screaming at opposing players whilst pulling at his beard. He was also known for laughing hysterically at nothing. His on-ice distraction strategies allowed forwards like Lanny MacDonald, Joe Mullen, Joe Nieuwendyk, Doug Gilmour and Theoren Fleury to find the space they needed to score without being molested by the opposing team’s defence. 

Jim Neidhart is also credited as being the first to grow ‘playoff’ chest hair. His 1989 chest hair is now on display at the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto Ontario, Canada.

Paul Bunyan  http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608029204762135431&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0

 

Although undrafted because of his puny stature (5ft 7’ and 145lbs as an 18 year old) Paul Bunyan became the poster boy of resilience. Through a rigorous training regime consisting of a balanced diet coupled with clear cutting vast swaths of the Oregon, Washington State and British Columbia wilderness, Bunyan built a physique that would make him the most dominate offensive defencemen in hockey history. Standing at 10 ft. 9’ and weighing a lean 990 lbs, Bunyan’s ability to block shots and rush the puck up the ice in a single stride, especially during the playoffs, became the stuff of legends. Bunyan was also known for his blisteringly hard and accurate shot from the point much to the chagrin of goaltenders, defencemen and arena managers. Well-liked by his teammates and a gentleman on the ice, Paul Bunyan carries the unfortunate distinction of accidently killing 17 goalies, 51 skaters, 8 referees and a popcorn vendor due to his freakish size.

He won two Stanley Cups with Edmonton in 1988 and 1990 and now owns/runs a Beaver Lumber Building Centre in Medicine Hat Alberta, Canada.

Steve ‘Sas’ Quatch    http://wisconsinbigfoot.com/images/sasquatch.jpg

Steve Quatch was a professional hockey goaltender who played for the Chilliwack Bruins from 1972 to 1997. Known for his unorthodox style and fiery temperament in the crease, Quatch racked up an astonishing 1,078 shut outs in his career leading the Chilliwack Bruins to 27 consecutive Grizzly Cup Championships in the Pacific Northwest Hockey League. His record of 26 straight  seasons where he did not allow a single goal, while playing every game is a record that will never be broken. (* Terry Tremblay, scored the only goal against Quatch in the 1996 Grizzly Cup quarter finals off a scramble around the crease. Eye witness and police reports state that Tremblay was promptly ‘broken in half then torn to shreds with the bloody pieces being thrown into the stands and the opposing team’s bench’ by a visibly frustrated Quatch.

Although drafted by the Vancouver Canucks in 1973, he was never allowed to play in the NHL as he was deemed too ‘unpredictable’ and ‘potentially dangerous’ to other players and fans in the league. He retired in 1997 to pursue an acting career.

Along with countless grainy amateur films, Steve Quatch starred in the 1997 hit family comedy “Harry And The Hendersons” featuring John Lithgow.

Currently his whereabouts are unknown.

Tyler “Tyrone” Ireton   

Ty hasn’t fully shaved his beard since being drafted into the mighty BHL in the summer of  2013. His ginger beard is a thing of beauty and it works wonderfully with his trademark gumboots and sweats.  A blue-collar, Boston Bruins fan at heart & a tried and true student of the game on and off the ice.

The 2013/14 Firecan Park Award winner (BHL’s Top Grinder) followed up his tremendous playoff beard showing from last seasons cup final with a career year. Ireton posted personal bests in bushiness, instability and growth. Tragically, his 2015 playoff beard dreams came to an early end this season when Top Cheese was eliminated in the Wildcard round of the 2015 BHL playoffs. Fortunately for us as fans, something tells me the playoff beard will forever live on.

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December 15th 2014

From the holiday desk of R.C. \_.anger:

Raccoons On Ice, Making A List Like ‘Sinterklaas’ And The Secret to Playing More Hockey

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Good evening BHLers,

I hope you are all keeping well by staying up late, eating unhealthily and drinking dangerously too much, preferably at work. As another year comes to an end it is good for one to reflect on all the things they didn’t accomplish in the past 12 months and possibility make some resolutions. http://th05.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2011/357/3/4/raccoons_on_ice_by_keenfox-d4jyt25.jpgAs a glass half empty person (I’m always thinking about when I need to mix a new drink as opposed to how much I have drunk) it’s important to think about what went wrong this past year so that you have goals for next year.

Everyone needs goals.

 As far as feeling good about yourself, just remember that you did enough this year to not lose your job, your family, end up in jail or die. Be proud of those things but I digress. Take the time to reflect on what you didn’t do and what you are awful at, write it down and tape it to the fridge. This will help remind you, every day, what you need to work on. Your wife or girlfriend will most likely have a different list of things that you are terrible at or neglected to do this past year and that’s ok. It’s ok to have two lists. By creating your own list of ways to better yourself, you will have more time to not only play hockey but to hang around in the parking lot drinking beer and talking sh*t while maintaining a harmonious home front. Here’s what you do:

Get some different coloured high lighters and highlight the things on your list using the following colour code:

Yellow: Things that are easy and I can probably do it at the last minute. *

Blue: Things that I COULD do but probably won’t because there are other things I’d rather do. *

Green: Things that I WILL never do because ‘I don’t wanna’. I don’t ask her to change or give her a hard time so why should I do it? I don’t even give a care what she says. She’s not my mum.*

 White: This is actually a bunch blank spaces which create the illusion that you may add more things to your list as they arise which of course will not be the case. Again, do not write this on the list.*

*NEVER write the definition of each colour on your list or you will be dead meat.